If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
You Might Also Like
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor: