It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
You Might Also Like
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday