It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
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What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
man i love columbo
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.