Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
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Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land