“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
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*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
“That’s what” – She
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.