It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
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I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours