It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
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A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge