@mellimelle: It's the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
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@Rollinintheseat: I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
@ruinedpicnic: Lorax: I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees! They have a crush on you Brad! Trees: What? We did not say that! Tell Brad we didn't say that!
@steveolivas: Asked my wife if I was going to get a "tip" for driving her around today. She laughed and laughed. Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
@Brampersandon_: [leaving a party] GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket