I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
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Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.