It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
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My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.