It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
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Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.