@gwatts77: It's too human to go outside.
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@murrman5: [roommate hears me come in] "how was the date?" [face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I'm allergic to shellfish
@IRLPepperMD: [911 call] IM GETTING EATEN- *pause* Ok one sec. *holds phone away from mouth* Are you an alligator or a crocodile? *pause* Cool. ITS A CRO-
@ElgatoEsmio: If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!"
@michaelianblack: The whole thing about "we're all going to die some day," that's a joke, right?