I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
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In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?