It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
You Might Also Like
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
True freaking story!
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
My plans: 2020:
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]