It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
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Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.