It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
You Might Also Like
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy