Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
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Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.