“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
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My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung