Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
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[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.