It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
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zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
¯_(ツ)_/¯
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??