It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
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I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I saw a spider crawl under my kidâs bed and was too tired to go after it, but thatâs okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I have gray hair where I didnât even know I had hair
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone âTHE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIANâ; hung up and went right back to her workout
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Not sure why iPhoto doesnât have a âthatâs my ex, please stopâ button
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now itâs working
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.