It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
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Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.