“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
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Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Science memes
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
She puts the hot in psychotic
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Cardio Made Easy
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?