Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
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INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?