I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
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The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she鈥檒l go away.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter鈥檚 piano recital
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I鈥檓 seeing I think they鈥檙e teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
all i did was tell my dad i鈥檓 anaemic 馃槶馃槶
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
Them: I鈥檓 not getting that vaccine! I don鈥檛 know what鈥檚 in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?