I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
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LOL
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.