I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
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Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again