I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
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if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Pigeon open mic night.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.