*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
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Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.