“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
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(Jupiter –
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard