“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
You Might Also Like
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Well, this is awkward
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.