I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
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Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.