I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
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“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.