I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
You Might Also Like
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.