@tkhan74: I've been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don't know how to tell her I forgot her name.
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@SomeChrisTweets: HELLO, 911? I'M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT'S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE'RE FALLING UP
@thenatewolf: ME: If only there was an instrument that sounded like a really sassy duck. CLARINET PLAYER: [excitedly moistening his reed] Buckle up baby.
@tommygunz07: Hugh Hefner lived so long that his first wife's name was Mildred and his last wife's name was Crystal.