I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
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I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
“you recording!?”
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Boating season is upon us.
#SaturdayBears
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Seek kebab; not attention
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside