@OhNoSheTwitnt: I've been clicking "remind me later" on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I'm not interested?
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@pleatedjeans: Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
@timdonakowski: Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
@philyuck: She *blows into Nintendo cartridge* took *blows into Nintendo cartridge* the *blows into Nintendo cartridge* kids
@BreadFoster: I "pet zone" girls. It's like the friend zone, but, I only hang out if your dog will be there.