I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
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Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Easy enough.