I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
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If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep