I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
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[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.