If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
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When I grow up, I want to be 16
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
The little toadstool has spoken.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho