@spcycucumber: I've been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can't even remember why I'm still eating memory foam
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@mewritesgood: You may recognize me from such films as: HR surveillance footage 11/13/12 HR surveillance footage 01/22/13 HR surveillance footage 02/28/13
@TheCiscoKidder: I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from "Married" to "It's Complicated."
@Underchilde: A man’s got to know his limitations. Unless he’s in a relationship, then he’ll be constantly reminded.
@noog: Judge: Order in the court [from the back] Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with... [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?