I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
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For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.