I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
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[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?