I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
You Might Also Like
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants