I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating