I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
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90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
and now we wait
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.