I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
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Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
sugar glider wrangler
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.