I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
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My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar