@1Happytwit: I've been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I'm now three weeks late for work.
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@Dash_of_Crazy: My cat is rubbing herself all over me because she wants me to stroke her. It's like she's a drunk version of me.
@candace_9871: Boss approaches, I frantically close my google image search of cats hugging, only to show a new window of cats in formal wear. I get fired.
@robdelaney: Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
@rzarosco: I dont use one of those unfollower sites like a psycho. I use my handwritten list of followers and crosscheck it daily like a NORMAL PERSON!