@1Happytwit: I've been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I'm now three weeks late for work.
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@JerseyRambo: You know you're watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear "May the Force be with you," you hear, "And also with you."
@BlindChow: "That'll be $19.94." *pulls out $50 bill* "Sorry, we've had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?" *pulls out $25 bill*
@david8hughes: [first day as a bartender] Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
@_Water_Baby: *at casino* When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both. It will leave him speechless.