@1Happytwit: I've been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I'm now three weeks late for work.
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@Just_Lee_: When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first. And that tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
@pharmasean: You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don't dance n if he don't dance then he ain't no horse of mine
@EliTerry: another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
@dafloydsta: [at the gym] ME: Hey, can you spot me? GUY: Sure, which machine? ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there