@1Happytwit: I've been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I'm now three weeks late for work.
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@HansGrubertron: [Weights bench at the gym] ME: ...327...328...329... PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
@undeadmolly: 35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell "Don't you die on me!" at the right moment.