I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
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a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.