I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
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who called it a toilet and not an IP address
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
why no one uses midhusbands
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.