I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
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[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
My brain is a bad influence on me
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.