Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
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[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.