@jrogasm: I've been on a diet for a month and I've lost exactly 4 weeks.
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@OakHill_: Elf on the Shelf Log: Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity. Day 6: I think he IS moving at night. Day 9: He’s in my liquor again. Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best. Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
@Pro_Jones_: Jehovah's Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus? Jesus: *In disguise* sure JW: He's lame J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
@online_rat: one time a girl told me she listens to "anything but country" so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
@Sophie2078: If your messages appear as "seen", but there’s no reply, don't worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.