@jrogasm: I've been on a diet for a month and I've lost exactly 4 weeks.
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@The_Grant_Boldt: "Mom can you pick me up a new comforter at the store?" "Okay" *Mom returns with Morgan Freeman* "I love you mom"
@DallyDoll: Gross. This salad tastes like pee and vegetables. Don't ask me how I know what vegetables taste like.
@TheLeslieMommy: Old lady across from me in ER waiting room just asked me, "So are you sick?" No, I'm just here for the free CNN.
@VanGobot: *sees a bug in my apartment* me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner* WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL