I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
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I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands