[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
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“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.