@BigHeb7: I've been saying I'll sleep when I'm dead for so long, I'm starting to really look forward to dying.
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@haleysfalling: I've decided that I'm going to start texting people back. That's it. That's the joke.
@Brampersandon_: ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts* WIFE: see what I mean? THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: "she's nuts. This guy rules*
@salamingia: I prepare my daughter for disappointment by always giving her the iPad with a 4% charge.