I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
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JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
My teenage children choosing violence
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.