@BigHeb7: I've been saying I'll sleep when I'm dead for so long, I'm starting to really look forward to dying.
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@GrantTanaka: son: I don't think he likes me wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
@SodomyClown: If someone says "I will do anything for you" lean in really close and say "There's a body in my basement and I can't eat it all by myself."
@SteveSuckington: A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
@daemonic3: [1st date] HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u? ME: OMG SAME HER: What part's ur fave? ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo